and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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