he wants to bone in the snuggie
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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