You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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