The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
