sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You have to summon your inner elephant
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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