someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
