I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
