What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
