Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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