somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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