she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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