i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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