can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
