i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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