I will die if light touches me.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
