the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
