my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
