I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
