I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize