guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
