I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
