my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
