I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
