I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize