sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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