I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
