the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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