I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
