Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
