Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Church boner. Awkwardddd
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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