Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
