i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
