I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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