My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
