There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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