Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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