apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
