I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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