How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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