"it" just moved
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
