i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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