do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
