3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
