His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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