Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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