I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
