hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
