did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
