things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
