i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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