I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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