my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
