Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
