Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
