Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
