I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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