I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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