my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
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